So it has been a long time since my last post. I feel so different these days. And Cheryl, the facilitator, mentioned that I should journalize about it so that I can go back and read how it felt when I have dark and down times in the future. So here goes....
My whole attitude has been, I can do this. Christmas is a food-intensive time of year and if I can resist the temptations of Christmas food, then I can do anything! Lol. We had a Christmas party with my office and they had it catered. And there was SO much food. Everywhere. Everyone congregated around the breakfast bar in the kitchen that had been lined with appetizers. And I ate nothing. :) Some of it tempted me, but I kept thinking, is this worth it? I finally had some raw tomato & cucumber slices from the salad for dinner. Just because we didn't actually sit down for dinner until 90 minutes after arrival, which was 45 minutes after my planned shake time.... But then we sat down at dinner and I had made my soup and got some more tomato & cucumber slices and steamed veggies (which the hostess had ordered with me in mind, such a sweet lady). I ate my soup and then I had like 4 pieces of steamed veggies and I was so full. It amazed me that I was that full after just that. In fact, there was so much food left on my plate, so I pushed it away. But it kept staring at me. So finally, instead of letting it sit there and picking at it (which I would have done in the past) I took my plate, and my DH empty plate and took them into the kitchen. I was so proud of myself. I was in control. My only indulgence was a bite of my DH cheesecake at dessert time. It felt good.
The day before Christmas, since all the family was in town, we all got together for dinner and I had my soup and a few cherry tomatoes. I feel like I am getting good at this. That food doesn't tempt me as much anymore. It is still tempting, but I can think it through before the reach and grab and stuffing of my face.
For Christmas dinner (on Christmas eve), I had already decided sometime ago that I was actually going to eat dinner. I think there was more food on my 3 year old's daughter plate than there was on mine. Lol. I enjoyed eating and enjoyed being a part of the dinner table. But the food wasn't the focus. The conversation (and the three kids) took up most of the focus. It made me feel incredible that I could feel full after what little I ate and that I didn't have to have the dinner roll or the dessert. I didn't even ask for a bit of dessert from my DH. I did get hungry again after all the gifts had been opened, so I went back to the fridge and had another ounce or so of turkey. And that was satisfying enough and filling enough to not go looking for more. Was very proud of myself.
On Christmas morning, my DH the chef, made a wonderful breakfast of pumpkin walnut pancakes and waffles with cranberry maple butter, eggs & sausage. I sat down to eat with everyone and had 2 bites of waffle, one bite of sausage, 3 bites of eggs and I was done. Nothing tasted good, except the eggs. Everything made me feel icky. So I quit. I actually quit. It was like, this is not worth it. So I got up and played with my baby niece :)
That night for dinner, my father-in-law (my in-laws have spent the week with us) made this pork roast, mashed potatoes and asparagus. I have been craving steak, baked potato and asparagus for some time now. But I sat down and had one stalk of asparagus, and a bite of the potatoes and a bit of the pork and it just sat in my tummy. It made me feel heavy, if that makes sense. And instead of just stuffing it in, like I would have in the past, I pushed the plate away. I actually pushed it away. And then I left the table to play with my DD. After everyone was done eating, I came back to the table to join the conversation, but the food was staring at me. So I decided to clear the table and do the dishes. That way I could still be part of the conversation without just sitting there in front of all that food.
It has been great that food is not in control. It is still available and still a temptation, but I feel like I am able to say no, I am in control and I can Choose what to eat or not eat. Just because the food is there and available, doesn't mean that I have to eat it. I feel proud of myself. I hope that I can continue to grow and change like this and make this "lifestyle change" that everyone is always talking about. I never want to go back to this. This is the second time I am having to lose these same pounds and I NEVER want to do this again. Total lost in 13 weeks is 39 lbs. I have 2 more weeks before transition, because I didn't want to transition during Christmas and New Years. So just 8 weeks more to go. I am excited and freaked out at the same time. But I feel more confident that I can and will succeed. :)
