Setback

ARGH! I have to have surgery again next week. I had an umbilical hernia repaired last July. And it has come back only worse. So now it has to be fixed again. And the surgeon said that 800-1000 calories was not enough for my body to heal. So now he wants me on 1500 cal a day for 4 days before surgery & for 10 days after surgery.

So the nutritionist worked with me and she gave food plans. She said that I couldn't just jump from 950 calories a day to 1500 in one day. So she set me up with a gradual food plan starting with 1250 today, 1350 tomorrow & 1500 on Sunday, since surgery is on Wednesday. I just finished dinner and I still have 50 more calories to spend on an evening snack. But I am SO Stuffed! I never thought 1200 calories would be so much food. I feel ill. I hate this feeling. I used to consume 2000-2500 or more calories a day without thinking about it and now 1200 is making me sick? Never thought I would see that day. And then I still have 300 more to add per day in the next 2 days. Yuck.

So I talked with the Doc at clinic and he said they would work with me. That if need be I can do an additional 2 weeks back on only product and then start transition again. So that could be very nice. Not sure I will be willing to go back to only product, but I think I would love to start over on transition. I was only actually 1 week into it when I found out I have to have surgery again. I am actually only 5 weeks left to the end, but I may extend it. Also, the costs are getting to the budget... But if going back to only product for 2 weeks will help me lose some more weight, then I am wondering if that is a good thing to suck up the $$ and just do it...

I am very glad that the nutritionist helped me with the food plans. Because the last thing I wanted to do was say, oh, I get 500 more calories per day. Lets go have a cheeseburger! So this plan is very good for me for that reason. I also like that it breaks it out by meal. But I split it up even further (eating less about every 90-120 min rather than a full meal every 3 hours) because it was too much for me to eat in one sitting. So I think I will continue to do that throughout this surgery & recovery.

Anyway, total on program lost is 43. Total since I started trying to lose is 53. So I have about 57 to go before goal weight. But only 40 or so to go before I will be comfortable enough to start trying for a baby again. My plan is to be 40 lbs lighter than today by August. So I will keep going, even with this major bump in the road. Oh, and no working out beyond walking for 6-8 weeks. ARGH!

Happy Things

Just some wonderful things about losing weight :)

I can look in the other half of my closet with all the smaller sizes when searching for clothes each morning. About 1/2 the time they now fit!

My clothes keep falling off

I feel happier

I wake up in the morning with more energy

I feel like I can do more when I work out. I don't feel like the fat lady in the corner, wheezing. I am proud of the exertion and excited to keep stepping it up.

Food does not consume my every waking thought

I have lost 28 inches and counting! :)

I don't have to sleep as long at night

I am less stressed. And when I am stressed, I feel better able to handle it.

Update

So it has been a long time since my last post. I feel so different these days. And Cheryl, the facilitator, mentioned that I should journalize about it so that I can go back and read how it felt when I have dark and down times in the future. So here goes....

My whole attitude has been, I can do this. Christmas is a food-intensive time of year and if I can resist the temptations of Christmas food, then I can do anything! Lol. We had a Christmas party with my office and they had it catered. And there was SO much food. Everywhere. Everyone congregated around the breakfast bar in the kitchen that had been lined with appetizers. And I ate nothing. :) Some of it tempted me, but I kept thinking, is this worth it? I finally had some raw tomato & cucumber slices from the salad for dinner. Just because we didn't actually sit down for dinner until 90 minutes after arrival, which was 45 minutes after my planned shake time.... But then we sat down at dinner and I had made my soup and got some more tomato & cucumber slices and steamed veggies (which the hostess had ordered with me in mind, such a sweet lady). I ate my soup and then I had like 4 pieces of steamed veggies and I was so full. It amazed me that I was that full after just that. In fact, there was so much food left on my plate, so I pushed it away. But it kept staring at me. So finally, instead of letting it sit there and picking at it (which I would have done in the past) I took my plate, and my DH empty plate and took them into the kitchen. I was so proud of myself. I was in control. My only indulgence was a bite of my DH cheesecake at dessert time. It felt good.

The day before Christmas, since all the family was in town, we all got together for dinner and I had my soup and a few cherry tomatoes. I feel like I am getting good at this. That food doesn't tempt me as much anymore. It is still tempting, but I can think it through before the reach and grab and stuffing of my face.

For Christmas dinner (on Christmas eve), I had already decided sometime ago that I was actually going to eat dinner. I think there was more food on my 3 year old's daughter plate than there was on mine. Lol. I enjoyed eating and enjoyed being a part of the dinner table. But the food wasn't the focus. The conversation (and the three kids) took up most of the focus. It made me feel incredible that I could feel full after what little I ate and that I didn't have to have the dinner roll or the dessert. I didn't even ask for a bit of dessert from my DH. I did get hungry again after all the gifts had been opened, so I went back to the fridge and had another ounce or so of turkey. And that was satisfying enough and filling enough to not go looking for more. Was very proud of myself.

On Christmas morning, my DH the chef, made a wonderful breakfast of pumpkin walnut pancakes and waffles with cranberry maple butter, eggs & sausage. I sat down to eat with everyone and had 2 bites of waffle, one bite of sausage, 3 bites of eggs and I was done. Nothing tasted good, except the eggs. Everything made me feel icky. So I quit. I actually quit. It was like, this is not worth it. So I got up and played with my baby niece :)

That night for dinner, my father-in-law (my in-laws have spent the week with us) made this pork roast, mashed potatoes and asparagus. I have been craving steak, baked potato and asparagus for some time now. But I sat down and had one stalk of asparagus, and a bite of the potatoes and a bit of the pork and it just sat in my tummy. It made me feel heavy, if that makes sense. And instead of just stuffing it in, like I would have in the past, I pushed the plate away. I actually pushed it away. And then I left the table to play with my DD. After everyone was done eating, I came back to the table to join the conversation, but the food was staring at me. So I decided to clear the table and do the dishes. That way I could still be part of the conversation without just sitting there in front of all that food.

It has been great that food is not in control. It is still available and still a temptation, but I feel like I am able to say no, I am in control and I can Choose what to eat or not eat. Just because the food is there and available, doesn't mean that I have to eat it. I feel proud of myself. I hope that I can continue to grow and change like this and make this "lifestyle change" that everyone is always talking about. I never want to go back to this. This is the second time I am having to lose these same pounds and I NEVER want to do this again. Total lost in 13 weeks is 39 lbs. I have 2 more weeks before transition, because I didn't want to transition during Christmas and New Years. So just 8 weeks more to go. I am excited and freaked out at the same time. But I feel more confident that I can and will succeed. :)

Start of Week 10

As of late I have been angry all the time. Angry at my DH, DD, my mother, my sister, everyone. And everything. Everything makes me pissy. Work, driving, quilting. I am tired of not eating, tired of being hungry a lot, tired of eating the same thing again and again. I am so ready for real food. I still have a few weeks left and had thought of extending a couple of weeks to get through Christmas and New Years since my last day before transition is the week of Christmas. But I am about ready to throw the towel and say forget it. My DH keeps saying but look at the results! 29 lbs in 9 weeks. Which is fantastic. So why am I so angry all the time?!?

End of Week 7

So only lost 2 pounds this week. *sigh* Thought I did pretty well this week. I worked out more, had less/no snacks. But I twisted my knee on Monday so my walking has been limited and I haven't been doing the stairs daily either.

But my total loss is 24 pounds. So am happy with that. I didn't think I was too broken up about only 2 lbs, but I came home and got kinda depressed.

We talked today about emotional eating. I am an emotional eater. Not like I didn't know that already, but kind of a shock to have it placed right in your face. I eat when I am stressed, bored and depressed. At least I don't eat when I am angry, lol.

I am having a hard time thinking of this as a lifetime change. Part of me still thinks of this as 19 weeks to lose some weight and then life "returns to normal." But I so don't want to be this big again. So it is hard to reconcile these two warring thought processes in my head.

Week 6 day 6

Having a hard time keeping from snacking. Ever since return from vacation it just seems like my will power has deserted me. DH bought a bunch of healthy snacks - fruit, whole grain crackers, fiber-ful cereals, etc. and it seems I can't seem to stay away from them. The candy that DD got from Halloween is untouched and undesired. But the crackers are killing me! And the peanut butter. DD is very much in the PB&J sandwiches these days and I find myself dipping a knife tip into the PB and eating it. And the crackers are not a ton, but 2 or 3 at a time 2 or 3 times a day adds up. It is like STOP already!

So my goals today were to not snack and to workout 30 minutes. I did the workout, but did have 2 crackers and 3 celery sticks. Not counting the celery, but the crackers.... why oh why can't I seem to stop?! ARGH!

Week 5/6 Recap

So for most of week 5 and into week 6, we went on vacation to visit my DH's family in VA. It was a great time and I did really well with the plan the first part of the week. Then Wed, we went to see DH's grandparents. They are real southern folk with that feed everyone everything in sight mentality. I did avoid some of that because I hid behind DD at the dinner table and focused on making sure she ate and sat still. But I did eat more that meal than to date, which still wasn't much - about 2 oz of ham, couple of bites of mac & cheese, fruit salad and a couple of yummy bites of cake. But my tummy disagreed with me later that night...

Then Thursday, we had sibling day with my DH and his bro & sis. We went to a Shakespeare play, shopping, quilt store shopping (while the boys went to a movie) and then we went to this very fancy restaurant that sis made reservations for. I didn't order anything but a side of veggies (collard greens, rugela, etc) but I tasted everything else. I so paid for it the next day. I felt awful and spent most of the afternoon and evening in bed or on the couch. You would have thought I had learned my lesson the day before. But this was so much worse. I can't believe I ate that much. In comparison, it wasn't much, but my GI system was very very unhappy with me for what little I did eat. This is one of the best motivators to not fall off the wagon ever again. lol

So we finally got home Saturday. What a loooonnng day. Of course I was very hungry by the end of the plane trips. We had a layover in Atlanta for 3 hours. & I hadn't brought a shake mix and couldn't seem to figure out how to get hot water for soup mix. I had already eaten 2 bars and so snacked on some of DD's lunch. We had been up since 3a to catch a 6a flight and my defenses and will power were definitely low. I had some issues later that day, but nothing like the past 2 days. But I felt a bit limited in my options since I couldn't take any liquids with me in the airport/plane because of the TSA regulations of all fluids have to be under 3 oz, including drinks. You can't even bring a bottle of water through security with you. They make you toss it. You can buy drinks after security, just can't bring in stuff from outside. Anyway, made it through the flights. Then my sister picked us up from airport. We all took 2-4 hour naps. Then DD went trick-or-treating with her cousin and we drove the 4 1/2 hours back home. Whew! What a long day - 3a EST to 11p MST....

Sunday was a very nice day. Relaxed and slept in my nice wonderfully soft and big bed. My in-laws had us on a double bed that was like sleeping on boards. I actually had bruises on my hips and ribs. We finally ended up buying a mattress pad during the week and it helped, but not enough. I slept so well Sat night in our wonderful king size bed with pillow top and memory foam. :):)

So got on scale Mon morning. It showed I lost 6 pounds! Holy cow! That brings me up to 21 lbs in 6 weeks. So excited. Hope it stays that way and I continue to lose through weigh-in day on Thursday.

A little trepidations, they are showing the film Food, Inc. at the Life Center tomorrow night. I arranged a sitter but not really sure I want to see this. I have heard it will turn you off food forever and it will make you sick thinking about all the things you have eaten. Not sure if I am ready, but I guess I am going anyway.... Wish me luck!